I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
