I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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