I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
