Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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