K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
