have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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