Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
