I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you have to choose: penises or morals?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
