I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
