My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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