Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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