He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
