he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
