I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I will pee on everything he values.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
