Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
