he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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