She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Randomize
