All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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