girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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