Your dad touched me again.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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