I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I think i got beer on your cat.
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