Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
