You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
