This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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