Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
