I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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