remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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