2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
