I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
