I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
please come you make the beer taste better
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
