It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
