OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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