You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Couch. On fire.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
