TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
