despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The adults are the big ones right?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
