Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
