Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
