I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
