Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
