Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
