So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
