You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
