So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
