He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
