I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
