I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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