Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
