i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
