I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
