Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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