Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
