My liver just broke up with me...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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