Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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