I like to think it a success when the cops are called
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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