I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
