I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
