i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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