I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
