i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
