not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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